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Aged 17, in an old manor house in Wales, whilst others sang worship songs around me to a God I did not yet know, my knees hit the ground and I cried out to Him – daring Him to show up, daring Him to be real in my life. At the time I was caught up in a cycle of self-destruction, vainly seeking earthly pleasures to gain some form of self-worth that I greatly lacked. I had been battling an eating disorder and self-harm since I was 15 and felt an immense need to please others and gain their acceptance that I thought lied in my ability to become thinner.
Lying on that floor, daring God to be real, I was afraid. My identity had become lost in my disorder and I didn’t know who I was without it. Sobbing, I told God that whether I believed in Him or not I couldn’t just snap out of it, I couldn’t get up in the morning and be OK, eat normally or fight each day without cutting, therefore, why would He want me? Why would He love me? But right there in the middle of my excuses, His still small voice pierced my heart:
‘It is by MY grace you have been saved’
With that He opened my eyes to see that it is not by my works, or my ability, but by His grace. In essence: ‘He’s Got This’.
And that’s where my He’s Got This journey began. It wasn’t easy to start, with peaks and troughs along the way; but in the midst of it all God continued to remind me that His grace is sufficient no matter how tough life gets. Every time I try to do something in my own strength, make my own plans, or turn back, God opens my eyes to what He has in store for me that is so much greater then I could ever dream. As I put my trust in Him He faithfully began to restore the years that the locusts had eaten (Joel 2:25), teaching me that it is in Him that I find out who I am and what I am living for (Eph 1:11 MSG) and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Today I live fully alive in Him, fully whole and recovered and continually thankful that He’s Got This.